nothing

[now you know what I've been doing the whole day]

Okay, this is bad.

I'm so bored.

I knit, I eat, I surf the net, I youtube, I drink, I watch tv, I read My Story by Dave Pelzer, fold some clothes, I laugh, I read the Quran, I sleep, I bake, I laugh, I cry, I "stalk" my mum, I scold my sister for being so untidy, I cook, I take my bath, I pray, I "berangan" and blablabla.

that's all I do. I guess.

Haven't studied yet for MRSM's exam. Still not in the mood.

I'm worrying. I'm split into two: Whether to live like this or try something else. I'm planning to memorise surah Yasin or Al Mulk (I've told ya before, rite). But that's gonna be postponed until the end of the MRSM exam as I wanna have a really clean mind before starting. I need an isolation. I wish Allah will give me the will to be the better one.

I'm split into two: Whether to go to Kelantan alone or live like this the whole month (I'll be fatter, I know). My mum's not gonna come with me and my sister if I'd ever decide to go there to see my grandparents (my dad's parents). It's not about anything else, it's about seeing them after a long time leaving that place.

I'm split into two: Whether to forget everything I dream for and live hard and strong or just let those things "invade" me. My dreams are complicated, but I'll at least be happy living in my dreams. 

I'm also tired of all the emotions played by my surroundings and the people. The happiness, the sorrow, the nervousness, the shallow-mindedness, the luckiness, the worries..

They just want me to feel what they are feeling, and "share" the emotions. I can't bear it, you know. Like they don't even understand me, I'm not good at making people better again. I'm not good at making people to love me. They'd never seen me confessing that I'm lonely. Because I am seen as the tough girl. The one who can split all the problems into eight pieces just like that.

I lied to them, maybe.