the weird truth

i grow up to fast.
err, i mean... physically?

people think that I'm 18 years old or stuffs.
But well, the sad truth is: I'm 16.

And I can't believe how people can get so frank and honest when it comes to what they think about my appearance.

And I'm sort of irritated when people call me "kak" when they are way older than me.
Can't you guys call me 'adik'? Just for fun, though.
Maybe I'm fat, tall and unsymmetrical here and there. I already know that. There's no need for you to tell me the same 'fact' like I've never looked at myself in the mirror before!

They should have realized that I'm a girl. worse: I'm a teenage girl.
My emotions are not that stable.
And I'm sensitive to words. Words are now like a very sharp sword or maybe ninja shuriken stars that will hurt me, continuously.

I was more sensitive and insecure before: I'll spend a lot of time thinking about how ugly I am and stuffs.
Right now: All those words won't last long. They'll come and go. It's better to be more forgiving, right? But I'll still feel insecure and sad sometimes.

But trust me: perceptions are sometimes not good. Somebody will die because of it.
and
Please kindly keep your thoughts and perceptions (bad, insensitive ones) to yourself. I've been insecure enough. Thank you.

I find myself being in a group of humans who will point out any bad values in me, but have never praised me for anything. Even when I scored everything during the exam.

Moving on..
I'm going to another school. And I feel bad saying goodbye too early. What if I come back?
What can I do?

When I stepped out of the school today, I was thinking that maybe there's more than a thousand people in this school, but maybe a few will remember me for a long time.

No one will cry for my absence. Because I'm not good enough to be cried of.
They'll say goodbye today, reminding me to not to forget them. But I'm not sure whether they'll remember me. They'll only remember the bad things I've done to them. And hate me more.

But what can I do about it? It's fate.
I'll take the risk.
Life goes on, people will be happy again. They'll spend less the a second thinking about you after a week.
I have to harden my heart, leaving things and people. From which/whom I learned the life values and lessons. From which/whom I learned to be more matured.

I'm thinking of the worst. I know.

Here comes goodbye, here comes the last time
Here comes the start of every sleepless night
The first of every tear I'm gonna cry
Here comes the pain,
Here comes me wishing things had never changed
[Here comes goodbye - Rascal Flatts]


So, farewell friends and teachers and stuffs.
Assalamualaikum